Girl-Woman-Beauty-Brains-Blog

I know this sounds trite, but your inner beauty is much more important than your outer beauty. After watching Matt Lauer's special on Men over 50, Matt, the featured metrosexuals, and Dr. Saltz, The Today Show psychiatrist (I guess talking heads need to have their on-air heads examined) mostly discussed the impending negative self image of men over 50. Mr. Lauer and friends made one's 50th birthday sound like a death sentence. I am a 53-year-young woman and my inner beauty is alive and kicking. I think you need to feng shui your inner beauty, Matt!

I know, I know. I have focused on beauty products ad nauseum on this blog, but today I woke up and smelled the coffee and it stunk. Since I changed my blog from The Haute Dawg, where I was speaking through my beagle, to Girl-Woman-Beauty-Brains, my blog voice was weak and hoarse. I got sucked into the SEO (search engine optimization) blogosphere, but when I was spit back out, My Most Authentic Voice had returned and it was the voice of a baby boomer woman. I confess that I was hiding my Girl-Woman-Beauty-Brains voice among the 20-somethings and Gen-Xers in the fashion and beauty blog world. No more! I want to represent and educate my peers as we traverse the next half of our lives.

So phooey, Matt Lauer, pull up your big boy panties and embrace your 50th year of life. Let your voice on the Today Show represent a 50-year-young man confident in his own skin. Dr. Boomer (maybe I am schizo with all these voices inside of my head) is diagnosing Matt with a manopausal breakdown. According to the Urban Dictionary, manopause symptoms include "frequent reminiscing about the good ol’ days, a cranky judgmental attitude and a closed minded approach to anything new, usually punctuated by the chronic need to play a lot golf. The condition is difficult to cure and almost always progresses into oldtimers disease."

I am ecstatic to report that of this posting, Mr. Hubby is not showing any -- uh, many symptoms of manopause, but if your significant other is showing signs of wear and tear of this rite-of-passage condition, here are three gifts you can put under the tree.

The toothbrush and tongue cleaner from Contemporary Oral Hygiene is a great gift to wash the crankiness out of their mouths.

Your man doesn't have to come out of the manscaping closet to benefit from this DYI Electric Back Hair Shaver by Mangroomer.

A squirrel golf head cover might hint to your manopausal man that he is getting a bit too squirrelly with his complaints. The Butthead Donkey Golf Cover from Amazon is a gift that needs no explanation.

Apologies, to Matt Lauer. I wrote this sans estrogen pill. Kudos to Ann and Meredith. You are paragons of confidence.

A friend of mine alerted me via email to the list of new drugs for women. I pimped up the list with gifts for said women. (Warning: A good laugh can relieve stress, increase pain tolerance, and support the immune system.) Jingling your bells or making your laugh is my gift du jour.

EMPTYNESTROGEN: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait unitl they moved out. (Deck this couples's halls with an Empty Nesters' tree ornament from MSN Shopping.)

ST. MOMMA'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. (Cheer Mum up with Flowers from FTD.)

PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. (100 Words to Make You Sound Smart from Amazon would be a great addition to this gal's library.)

DUMBEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. (I bet you get a "yahoo" when you suprise your cowgirl with a cowboy hat from Hats in the Belfry.)

FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. (The gift of sunglasses from Costa del Mar will give this high-perfomance gal a tubo charge.)

MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person." (Speak-to-the-hand leather gloves from Nordstrom should increase the needed resistance.)

BUYAGRA: Injectible stimulant taken prior to shopping. It increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. ( Manolo Blahnik's $14,000 alligator boots ! Need I say more?)

(Kudos to JAF for the inspiration and providing the "new drugs for women" material.)